Today is
Rebecca & Maria’s 6th birthday. Happy birthday beautiful girls.
Today has
also been a busy day as we iron out the details of our new mortgage and prepare
for the open house this weekend. In the middle of all this craziness, I put my
phone on silent, plugged my computer back in, and just sat…staring at my cursor…blinking.
The problem
isn’t a lack of things to say, but rather which is the most important. I had a post
already written in my head, about strength and surviving, but I find that my
heart wants to throw it out and write about what is happening right now.
See, we are
moving to a new house. This is terribly exciting and a very positive change for
us. But, it means saying good-bye, again. This house was created to be a home
for my baby girls. We added bathrooms, bedrooms, and a dining room that I
filled with daydreams of them. Every choice I made was with them in mind. Then,
the world shifted, everything upended, right in the middle of construction,
when we lost them.
I built my
grief and longing into a memorial in those unfinished rooms. I sat, breathing
in dust on raw floors, in the middle of their nursery, missing them, for hours
on end. We wrote a dedication for them there. I created a wall in my bathroom,
with photos taken from the beach where I imagine them to be. There’s a quiet ring
on the deck that I touch whenever I walk past that serves as a space to tie
their balloons on their birthday.
I know all
this doesn’t seem like much, but understand, barring my thoughts, this is all I
have of them. In a way, it feels like I’m leaving them behind. Again. Letting
them go. Again. I’m afraid I won’t feel as close to them in the new house. I’m
afraid that I’ll let them slip a little further away.
I’m afraid that I’ll forget.
I’m afraid that I’ll forget.
But I won’t. I can’t. My beautiful angels are carried in my heart. Today and for always. I will build new ways to honor them in the new house because they are always a part of our lives.
Today I remember. It would mean the world to me if you would take a moment to remember too. Rebecca and Maria, you existed and you continue to be loved.
1 comment:
Hello,
Regarding;
"Today I remember. It would mean the world to me if you would take a moment to remember too. Rebecca and Maria, you existed and you continue to be loved."
I will take that moment, for I believe they still exist, at a higher place, and they are near me. For a moment some of your grief has tugged on and entered my heart also. I will remember Rebecca and Maria in a prayer. In Heaven, I hope to be introducerd to them.
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