Thursday, July 10, 2014

Six Years

Today is Rebecca & Maria’s 6th birthday. Happy birthday beautiful girls.

Today has also been a busy day as we iron out the details of our new mortgage and prepare for the open house this weekend. In the middle of all this craziness, I put my phone on silent, plugged my computer back in, and just sat…staring at my cursor…blinking.

The problem isn’t a lack of things to say, but rather which is the most important. I had a post already written in my head, about strength and surviving, but I find that my heart wants to throw it out and write about what is happening right now.

See, we are moving to a new house. This is terribly exciting and a very positive change for us. But, it means saying good-bye, again. This house was created to be a home for my baby girls. We added bathrooms, bedrooms, and a dining room that I filled with daydreams of them. Every choice I made was with them in mind. Then, the world shifted, everything upended, right in the middle of construction, when we lost them.

I built my grief and longing into a memorial in those unfinished rooms. I sat, breathing in dust on raw floors, in the middle of their nursery, missing them, for hours on end. We wrote a dedication for them there. I created a wall in my bathroom, with photos taken from the beach where I imagine them to be. There’s a quiet ring on the deck that I touch whenever I walk past that serves as a space to tie their balloons on their birthday.

I know all this doesn’t seem like much, but understand, barring my thoughts, this is all I have of them. In a way, it feels like I’m leaving them behind. Again. Letting them go. Again. I’m afraid I won’t feel as close to them in the new house. I’m afraid that I’ll let them slip a little further away.

I’m afraid that I’ll forget.

But I won’t. I can’t. My beautiful angels are carried in my heart. Today and for always. I will build new ways to honor them in the new house because they are always a part of our lives.

Today I remember.  It would mean the world to me if you would take a moment to remember too. Rebecca and Maria, you existed and you continue to be loved.