Today my
girls would have turned five.
Five years.
It feels
like quite a milestone. It feels like it was a million years ago that I
discovered what real heart-break feels like, and yet, if I close my eyes, I am
back there in an instant.
I’ve always
guarded this day, July 10th, Rebecca and Maria’s birthday. It was
the one day I could devote to just them. It was a day to feel the heartache and
to shed the tears. A day to shut myself away and just wallow in the grief. One
day, out of 365, that seemed reasonable to me.
But, of
course, life has a way of moving on… My life is blessedly busy and full these
days, and my grief has mellowed through the years. I had a turning point last
month. Yet another one! Here I thought I’d figured everything out about coping
with our loss…
It all
started with a long overdue trip to the dentist. When I was checking out,
making my next appointments, I realized that Nate and Julia needed to go in for
their first check-ups. We have a very busy schedule this summer, and it just so
happened that the only day they had that matched up with our schedule was, you
guessed it, the 10th. I stood, frozen to the spot, in an unfamiliar
setting with people who don’t know, inside howling, “NOOOO! That’s THEIR day!
It’s my day to do nothing else but remember them!” And yet, I had no other
reason to not book this much needed appointment. I found myself yet again
having to make that difficult choice of choosing to live my life or wallow in
the could’ve/should’ve beens. I so badly wanted to wallow…but I didn’t. I made
the choice again to honor life, not grief. I stood still for a long minute,
then swallowed, sighed, and whispered “That’s fine. We’ll take the 10th.”
The story
doesn’t end there though. It continues with an invite to spend the day with
some friends and their kids. Now, I didn’t particularly want to go to the dentist… But this, this I really wanted to do. So
once again, I faced that choice, and with a twinge of guilt, made the decision
to go and live my life as it is right now.
I spent so
long after the birth of Rebecca and Maria living between two worlds, reality
and the one where I was still pregnant. I marked the weeks, thought about how
my girls should have been still growing, safe inside me. Thought about the
changes that would have taken place. Drove myself crazy with longing for what
should have been. My EDD (estimated due date) was a tough day, but it was also
one that forced me to make a decision. The decision to live in the real world,
full-time. I didn’t realize when I made that choice, that it was one I would
have to continue to make over and over again.
A friend
just reminded me though, that living my life is honoring their memory.
I don’t have to be sad to prove to the world that I loved my girls. I have to
live my life and include them in it. July 10th will always remain a
special day, a day to remember, but I don’t have to wall it off, carve out one
day and pour sadness into it as proof that I still grieve. Instead, I’ll bravely
live 365 days, and include their memories in all of them, speaking about them
with love when appropriate and mourning the loss of them as needed. And never,
never forgetting that for one all too brief moment I got to meet my two little
angels.
Today I
remember. It would mean the world to me if you would take a moment to remember
too. Rebecca and Maria, you existed and you continue to be loved.
