Two Years

**Please forgive this break from photos while I share some thoughts and emotions about this date.**





Today my girls would have been turning two. There would have been presents and cake and balloons, and perhaps even a couple of tears as we contemplated how quickly they've grown and changed. Instead there is silence. So Eric & I created our own traditions to fill the void left by their passing. We have started a Memorial Walk, both to raise money for the charity First Candle and also to have a way to remember that before these twins Nate & Julia, there was another set, who are still very much loved and missed.





Yes, it is true that time heals (although that was the last thing I wanted to hear) but there are some cuts so deep that the scars will always remain. The loss of any loved one leaves holes in our lives and moments that are hard to bear. These remain a part of us for the rest of our lives. We wear no outward signs of this pain though, and so, from time to time, people will bump up against us and without meaning to, cause that pain and grief to resurface.





I find that it is the most innocent of questions that cause me the most hurt. Julia & Nate always cause a stir when out and about and I love to have people admire them. What I dread though are the questions that follow. "Are these your first?" "Do you have any other children?" These people have no way of knowing my history, of knowing about our girls. They are complete strangers pausing to admire and I will likely never see them again. I struggle with how to answer this. At first I felt it necessary to always mention our girls with a comment like "We also had twin girls that we lost due to prematurity." I felt if I didn't answer that way, I was denying our girls' existence. But does the cashier at CVS really need to hear this? Or is it better to just murmur a "Yes" and let it go at that. Does bringing it up and seeing the shock and hearing the platitudes make me feel better? Or just more alone and sad?





How much do I need to share with strangers? Really, it is the people that I love that count. The people who are important know me. They know my history, my joys and my pain. They know that just because I don't talk about it everyday, it doesn't mean that I don't remember. They know that while Nate & Julia are wonderful miracles whom I love dearly, they don't replace my girls. They know there is room in my heart for all four of my children. Perhaps one day if I get close to that cashier, she too will know all this. Until then, I think a wince and a mumble will do.





I hope to see some of you today as we walk the Charles. I know not everyone is able to join us, but if at some moment today you could find the time to pause and remember our girls, that they existed, that they are loved, it would mean so much.





Happy Second Birthday Rebecca and Maria.