Today is Rebecca and Maria's 10th birthday.
Every year around their birthday a thought or feeling has bubbled to the surface demanding that I write about it. In the beginning, there were so many it was difficult to choose what to write. As the years went on, it was easier to pick and I felt the writings went deeper into places that needed to be discussed. This year, I've been waiting... But nothing has floated up to the surface. I was concerned at first that it was like year 8, where I just felt sad, but as I explored my feelings today, all I felt was peace.
My relationship with this grief has continued to grow and change, and every year what I need to do has changed too. Our first year, we got our tattoos and organized a walk. We continued this for several years, donating to different charities who help with preterm labor and infant loss. I continued to write my thoughts yearly, even as the need for walking waned. Today I think I realized that my need to write is shifting too.
It isn't that I have nothing left to say (those who know me, know that will never be true!) or that I am letting go of my girls, it's more that I am at peace with where I am. My family is strong, my girls are a part of it, and I have reached a place of acceptance in my life. The peace I am feeling means that the need to share publicly has passed. Ten years seems like a good milestone to let things shift and settle again.
Happy birthday girls. I still love you. I will always love you.
Today and every day I remember. It would mean the world to me if you would take a moment to remember too. Rebecca and Maria, you existed and you continue to be loved.
